Phone call...

The mobile rang again and I picked it up after letting it ring for a few seconds.

“Hallo”

“Hey dude…you home yet?”

“Ya man, just came out of a shower.”

“Guess who I spoke to just now?”

“Well….p.p.p.p.p.p.p.pata nahin…”

“Preeti man…”

“Oh…good man…”

“Yeah man…spoke for half an hour dude…”

“Wow, that’s neat!”

“And guess what…she didn’t even hang up on me!”

“Now then… someone is going places…I hope you didn’t make her cry?”

“No dude, I didn’t…we not in the same town na…he he…but she said she is very lonely ever since I left…and cursed me for not being in touch…”

“Oh! How little she knows you bro. I am sure she wouldn’t have said anything even close to what she said if she knew you well enough…especially the ‘keeping in touch’ bit…”

“He he…you know me so well man…”

Before I proceed I must tell you that it is always a great moment in the life of my friend if he manages to speak to a girl for that long without the girl hanging up on him. Our friend has devised a simple, easy to execute and wallet friendly strategy to hook up with women. He doesn’t indulge in any of the regular practices of complimenting the woman of his desire or taking her out for dinner or getting gifts for her and the works. He would first simply make her cry by either mocking her lesser intelligence (as our man believes every woman is born with) or by making a nasty remark at her being so “girly”.

Well, as we can see my friend doesn’t quite understand the obvious fact that a girl WILL act ‘girly’. Nonetheless, let me not deviate. So, once he is convinced that he has hurt the girl enough he would then ask her out for coffee to make up for what he had said and done. Most of the times women have agreed to go out with him, for our man does, by the stroke of rigged fortune, although a sheer waste, have the sweet charm that endears women. However, it would be worthy to note that they have often returned feeling more terrible than before.

“I have had seven…errrr…eight drinks man…”

“Hmmm…”

“Okay…I agree I had just four”

“Or is it just two dude?”

“He he…you swine…”

“He he he…”

As is with most men, the number of drinks our man can have somehow seems to be symbolic of his sperm count- higher the capacity for alcohol higher the count. And after he finds himself in high spirits, he almost immediately also finds himself making telephone calls to, as he calls them in a more generous mood, “women from past”- which is an extremely polite reference to the women our friend has either shared intimate moments with or has had a desire to do so with. It is like a standard operating procedure (SOP-are MBAs listening???) after an alcohol bath. Ask him the next day what he spoke about and he would probably ask you back what your plans for the day are. And don’t even make the mistake of asking the woman in the context about it, for you might reap what your friend sowed the previous night.

“But it really felt good talking to her dude…I immediately went and …well…gave myself a release after the conversation”

“Ha ha ha…dude…you are so crazy man…I know what felt nice!”

“No man, serious. It felt really good talking to her”

“What did you talk about?”

“Dude, how was your day man?” (See, I had told ya!)

“well…the usual…quite dry…nothing as juicy as yours”

“Fucker…this is juicy you think. Saala the curse of being lonely…a girl is required dude”

Our dude here has an impeccably roving eye for engaged/not-available women. With cent percent success rate he carefully yet unknowingly selects a girl who is already taken and then curses his fate for having tricked him - yet again!

“He he…yeah…so hows Ralph?”

“He he…he is in the same boat…fed up of his job…wants to quit”

“Hmmm…was he not preparing for GMAT?”

“No dude…that was all bull shit!”

“He he…hmmm…”

“Dude I am so surprised about Aniket…how did he sacrifice everything to go back home man?”

“Well…how do you know it’s a sacrifice?”

“Dude…he has lived away from home for twelve years man…that too in a place like Bangalore”

“So? That does not necessarily mean he made a sacrifice. May be he wanted to go back. How do you know that is not what he wanted?”

“I feel like it is a forced choice…”

There is another interesting fact worth mentioning about our man. He thinks he can read minds. He is almost convinced about the reason for someone else’s decisions even when the decision has not been made. He also believes in sharing this information, as if it was from the horse’s mouth, with as many people as possible. After all, sharing is caring!

So the moment someone known to our man does make a decision, he has to only wait for an hour before some Tom, Dick or Harry tells him how he heard about the reason for his decision and feels extremely sorry for him.

“So hows is hemant?”

“Dude I didn’t tell you about it man…”

“What happened???”

“He was going through a pretty tough time in his personal life…So they called it off and now our man has taken it upon himself as his moral responsibility to get her married to someone else…”

“What???”

“He he…yeah man…thoda filmy ho gaya…”

“He he…thoda???”

“Yeah dude… but good such responsibility never came upon you man…your ex went and got married herself…he he”

“Ha ha…yeah dude…she knows how I hate responsibilities…”

“Ha ha…so have you heard from her?”

“Nope! Not in over four months now. I didn’t give her my new number.”

“Do you think about her?”

Another thing worth mentioning about our man is his yet another impeccable knack of asking the wrong questions at the most unexpected times.

“Well… not really…not at all. Sometimes she occurs to me and I wonder if she is doing fine. But that’s about it. I dismiss the thought at that point…”

“Hmmm…it would be so weird meeting them again man…”

“ya dude…just imagine this. You are going up the elevator in a mall and there she comes, stands next to you on the same step with her guy…”

“Screw you dude…that is scary man…shit! Don’t scare me like this man…”

“He he…no dude… I have often thought about such awkward situations…just imagine this happening to you dude”

“Holy crap! Its even worse for you because you are alone …this is why I say you must always have dummy girls to roam around with…that too real good looking ones you know…”

“Ha ha…ya dude… ha ha ha…”

“It is going to be so weird man if this sort of a thing ever happens…”

“Dude a woman never loses her sense of right over her men from past. No matter how long the break-up…they will still feel jealous at the sight of their ex with another girl”

“Hmmm… words of wisdom…guess its time to crash…”

“Alright dude…good night!”

beep-beep-beep-beep.